While in Canada, I picked up many, many leaflets and bits of paper. It appears that I was trying to nest.
One of the leaflets was "What about Bears?- A Guide to Coexisting with Bears"
I didn't read this leaflet at the time. I was too busy desperately trying to avoid bears.
I'm bored. It's late. I have a cold. And time on my hands. So let's go through this and see if we can learn some valuable information that may save our, or a Bear's life one day.
"Curious and opportunistic, Bears may travel hundreds of kilometres through all but the most urbanized areas seeking seasonally available foods, safe cover, mates and denning sites."
-Tourists
"Bears use a patchwork of habitats and travel corridors- both natural and man-made. Although they prefer deep forest cover, bears are often spotted along roads, hiking trails, and at the edge of waterways."
-If you happen to spot a bear hitchhiking, don't stop the car. They have been known to spin yarns about running out of gas and having to get a lift to the next McDonald's. They may also make up having a pregnant wife in a broken down car further up the road. If you fall for this ploy and allow them into your car, they will eat all your snacks.
"September through November: Bears feed intensely, gorging on high-calorie foods before hibernating. They may eat as many as 10 salmon in an hour or up to 250,000 berries in a day!"
-250,000 berries in a day? How on earth do they know this? Has somebody had the job of following bears around and counting how many berries they eat? Or is this the maximum capacity that their stomach would allow? This fact sounds pretty sketchy to me. I mean, I MAY eat 50 muffins in a day. It doesn't mean that it happens. Or that I would survive.
They tell you not to camp near berries or anything that a Bear might use as a food source. We did some overnight camping in the car on the Sunshine Coast. I would always go to sleep with the window open about an inch (so I didn't use all of the air in the car and suffocate in my sleep) (Shut up!).
One night, we parked up in a lay-by and settled down for the night. I woke up in the morning to find we'd parked next to a huge berry bush. My fears weren't helped by a ranger telling us how a Bear had pulled his window down and broken into his truck to get half a chocolate bar.
I put waking up with a Bear eating your face as one of the worst ways to wake up.
"Travel as part of a group"
-A very heavily armed group.
"One meal from a backyard or garbage can is enough to bring a hopeful Bear back again and again. And Bears are smart: if they get a meal from your garbage can, they quickly learn to check every garbage can in the neighbourhood."
-They'd need to be smart. A meal from my garbage can? I can't even make a meal from what I have in the fridge.
"Avoid wearing strong perfumes"
-Smell like a berry, die like a berry.
"Keep children close to you at all times, don't let them wander ahead or lag behind."
-Unless you have finally had enough of them. In which case, have them carry a sandwich too.
"Make noise (clap or sing); let the Bear know you're on the trail."
-Yeah. I'm forever singing through the forests.......
"Avoid wearing headphones while walking or jogging."
-It makes you look silly.
One of the leaflets was "What about Bears?- A Guide to Coexisting with Bears"
I didn't read this leaflet at the time. I was too busy desperately trying to avoid bears.
I'm bored. It's late. I have a cold. And time on my hands. So let's go through this and see if we can learn some valuable information that may save our, or a Bear's life one day.
"Curious and opportunistic, Bears may travel hundreds of kilometres through all but the most urbanized areas seeking seasonally available foods, safe cover, mates and denning sites."
-Tourists
"Bears use a patchwork of habitats and travel corridors- both natural and man-made. Although they prefer deep forest cover, bears are often spotted along roads, hiking trails, and at the edge of waterways."
-If you happen to spot a bear hitchhiking, don't stop the car. They have been known to spin yarns about running out of gas and having to get a lift to the next McDonald's. They may also make up having a pregnant wife in a broken down car further up the road. If you fall for this ploy and allow them into your car, they will eat all your snacks.
"September through November: Bears feed intensely, gorging on high-calorie foods before hibernating. They may eat as many as 10 salmon in an hour or up to 250,000 berries in a day!"
-250,000 berries in a day? How on earth do they know this? Has somebody had the job of following bears around and counting how many berries they eat? Or is this the maximum capacity that their stomach would allow? This fact sounds pretty sketchy to me. I mean, I MAY eat 50 muffins in a day. It doesn't mean that it happens. Or that I would survive.
They tell you not to camp near berries or anything that a Bear might use as a food source. We did some overnight camping in the car on the Sunshine Coast. I would always go to sleep with the window open about an inch (so I didn't use all of the air in the car and suffocate in my sleep) (Shut up!).
One night, we parked up in a lay-by and settled down for the night. I woke up in the morning to find we'd parked next to a huge berry bush. My fears weren't helped by a ranger telling us how a Bear had pulled his window down and broken into his truck to get half a chocolate bar.
I put waking up with a Bear eating your face as one of the worst ways to wake up.
"Travel as part of a group"
-A very heavily armed group.
"One meal from a backyard or garbage can is enough to bring a hopeful Bear back again and again. And Bears are smart: if they get a meal from your garbage can, they quickly learn to check every garbage can in the neighbourhood."
-They'd need to be smart. A meal from my garbage can? I can't even make a meal from what I have in the fridge.
"Avoid wearing strong perfumes"
-Smell like a berry, die like a berry.
"Keep children close to you at all times, don't let them wander ahead or lag behind."
-Unless you have finally had enough of them. In which case, have them carry a sandwich too.
"Make noise (clap or sing); let the Bear know you're on the trail."
-Yeah. I'm forever singing through the forests.......
"Avoid wearing headphones while walking or jogging."
-It makes you look silly.
Avoiding unwanted guests in your House:
1) Store garbage in a secure building or Bear-proof garbage container. (I store mine in my kitchen)
2) Put out garbage on the morning of pick-up only. (I store mine in my kitchen)
3) Keep barbeque's clean and grease free; do not leave food unattended. (Yeah. I'm always cooking food for one on my barbecue and leaving it unattended while I cook a proper meal in the oven)
4) Pick berries and fruit as they ripen; pick up fallen fruit regularly. (A Bear that can eat 250,000 berries a day won't mind at all that you're picking and storing one of its major food sources)
5) Remove outdoor freezers. (Bring them indoors. Make the Bears work for it)
6) Feed pets indoors. (Unless you have a pet Bear, in which case, that's silly)
7) Remove bird feeders between April and November; use thin piano wire to hang feeder higher than 3.3m. (Detach piano from the wire before you do this. You don't want to make the job any harder than it needs to be)
8) Put away all petroleum products including rubber, tarpaper, paint, turpentine, kerosene, and charcoal fluid; Bears are drawn to these products. (They love a bit of DIY and will build you and outdoor barbecue while your back is turned. It seems like a good deal, but they charge a fortune and the build quality is shoddy)
BUT IF I DO SEE A BEAR?
* Stay calm, stand still and assess the situation (We're fucked lads)
* Speak to the Bear in a calm, firm voice: your voice helps to identify you as a human (*In a calm, firm voice "Hello Bear. I am a human)
* Back away slowly and NEVER run; running may trigger a pursuit (And Benny Hill music)
* Get your Bear spray ready and know how to use it! (If it's still on the shelf in the gift shop, now is a good time to find religion. As the saying goes "Spray or pray")
* If a Black Bear attacks, use Bear spray (not to be confused with hair spray. Now is not the time to look fabulous) and fight back! Do all that it takes to let the Bear know that you are not easy prey! ( Be wide! And choke it on the way down)
Ok. I've had enough now. And I'm sure you have too. I saw several Bears, and on each occasion, they seemed very keen to leave us alone. They are beautiful animals and I have nothing but huge respect for them. I'd really rather we didn't kill them. It might seem like they are encroaching on our territory, but more often than not, it's us moving into theirs.
I'm not particularly scared of bears (especially here in England), and to be honest, I was more scared in the Detroit Airport lounge than I was in the forests of British Columbia, but I am aware of them. They just want to survive as much as we do, and I like the world with Bears in it.
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