Right coffee, wrong toilet.

There is a coffee shop just around the corner from where I live. Sometimes, just sometimes I get stuck in their washroom. Washroom is the wrong word. You don’t primarily go in there to wash. I could use the word bathroom? But bathroom is wrong. You NEVER go into a coffee shop to bathe. And getting stuck in their toilet just sounds far worse then it actually is. So, I will stick with the word washroom.
The coffee in there is great. It’s brown, hot and comes in mugs. Just what you want from a coffee. The one thing that it also seems to do is make me pee. Some days, it’s so bad, I feel like cutting out the middle man completely by ordering a medium roast and then just pouring it straight down the toilet.
Anyway, there is something about the washroom door here that I just cannot seem to get to grips with. It loves locking me in. I have tried all the hand actions I can think of. Push, twist.
Twist, pull, Twist, twist.
Push, pull. Pull, pull, pull.
Or my personal fav, twist, pull, panic, push, twist, pull, pull, pull.
The real trick to this is making it seem to the outside world that nothing is wrong. Heaven forbid that people outside, sipping their Lattes actually realize that you are stuck in there. On one occasion, armed with Groomies laptop, I almost fired it up to send a distress email to her. What with her laptop being trapped in the washroom with me, I have no idea how I expected her to receive this cry for help? Just one of many brain farts that usually occur when I am tired or panicky. You know the ones, you get up from watching tv, go to the kitchen to throw a yoghurt pot in the bin, return to the living room, then find yourself trying to change channel with an empty yoghurt pot, while wondering where on earth the remote is now? (Bin).
I really don’t like getting stuck in washrooms. I think it’s some sort of primal fear? Many millenia ago, our cavemen ancestors were probably trapped in washrooms all the time? Cave Bears and sticky locks were a real killer back then. Heaven help you if you found yourself trapped in a washroom with a Cave Bear and a sticky lock.
While I’m on the subject of early man. How on earth did we figure bread out? I mean, what was primitive man doing the day he (or she) discovered how to make bread? Who the hell came up with the idea in the first place? Who even came up with the idea of throwing food into fire and cooking it?
Anyway…..
I don’t like getting stuck in there. And I hate the idea of having to be “rescued” by staff or customers. So now, if I get stuck, I try to limit my “twist, pull” attempts to one every minute or so? Just so it doesn’t give the impression of panic. Panic in the washroom is never a good thing. And don’t even get me started on the fear of running out of toilet paper……

Mountains and beaches are a million miles away from what I am used to.
I have a feeling that this is going to sting a bit when I get on the plane home.

Poem inspired by a seal

The grey head pops up out of the sea
add an L to sea
you get SEAL!
And that's what you see.
This little fella loves fish.
And eats without cutlery
or napkin
or dish?
Because not much rhymes with fish.
Maybe wish?
And that he certainly does.
He hopes for lunch
maybe a small Turbot to munch?
I'm not sure if they eat those?
I've never asked one-
so who knows?
Not me!
I'm making this up.
As far as poems go
this is pretty bad.
But the end is coming up...
It's here!
And aren't we all glad.

Order please!

As I type this, BILLIONS are being spent on buying up…….err, BILLIONS of Flu vaccinations in the hope that they will make us all feel like our respective governments love us very much, and are doing something to protect us from the horror that is H1N1. The horrific virus that has so far claimed the lives of about 1500 people worldwide, and made countless others take days off work. I’m not trying to make light of these deaths, my sisters have both contracted and beaten the virus, I’m just amazed at how quickly this huge mobilization to buy up vaccinations has occured. Flu vaccines in the past have made very little impact to the spread of the virus, and have certainly done less to contain it than hand washing and common sense has.
It just feels like WHO and the world have been itching for a pandemic for ages, and now they’ve got their wish. Now all these agencies look very important as they race to save us from the nasty germs. First it was SARS, then Avian Flu. Sadly, these two failed to play ball and quietly whimpered away. Step in H1N1……. Piggy Flu. A much needed distraction from the worst economic climate in a century, and a much needed shot in the arm (Pun not only intended, but I actually high-fived myself) for the drugs companies that normally don’t make much money from seasonal Flu vaccines.
How many people die each year from smoking related illnesses?
Or dirty water?
Or guns?
Yet on the (sad and untimely) deaths of a few thousand people, the world is throwing billions away on vaccines that have NO proven worth against a virus that so far has killed less than ordinary influenza kills each year. This virus just appears to have a better press agent than the ordinary Flu. Call me cynical, but unless the governments know something that we don’t about this virus, then it just smacks of them doing something for the sake of it. Yes, the virus could still mutate and become deadlier than it has been. But guess what? Nearly every virus mutates, some get stronger, some get weaker, yet we seem to have picked this one as the biggie because it likes cheap air fares and people that are too busy to wash their hands after they tinkle.

I have no idea what I am trying to say? And I’m not a doctor (although for all you know, I am), I’m just fed up of being told ‘Don’t panic! We’ve got the vaccines on back-order! Now can you stay alive until next June?’
I don’t mind them doing things to protect us, that’s what they’re supposed to do, I just think that, sadly, the vaccines will do little but reassure us that everyone is doing everything that can be done to keep us safe. If that is the intention, then maybe the billions are being well spent?

Are people getting worse?

I am the one that eats crisps through the film
Kicks your seat with my feet
Says loudly ‘He’s a ghost at the end’
And ‘I saw it last week’.

You’re the one that won’t stand for the elderly
when you’re sat on the train
Playing with your iPod
Oh, goody! Rammstein again!

I’m the one that cuts you up at the lights
You honk at the near-miss
I say ‘Fuck you, you twat’
‘You want some of this???’

You’re the one that lets your kid run wild
shouting, screaming, but you’re not to blame
‘They’re just having fun!’
‘Yeah? From that noise, they should be in pain’.

I’m the one that rides my bike wherever the fuck I want
Cycle lane, park, pavement, through your living room
Dare tut at me and it’s ‘Fuck you, you car driving, pedestrian bastard!’
Then with a tingle of my bell, off again I zoom.

You’re the one that answers your phone at the checkout
Saying ‘I’m just buying some juice’ or ‘Gosh! was Scott there?’
You think we all need to hear?
You think any of US care?

I’m the one that loves to go the beach
have my fun, leave litter behind.
Broken beer bottles? No problem for me.
They’re for other children to find.

You’re the one that tries to ruin my party
telling me it’s 1.00am, you have work at 8.
‘I pay my rent, you unreasonable jerk,
just go in a bit late.’

I’m the one that lets my dog poo wherever she wants
where you and others will step in it.
I don’t see your problem?
But I won’t touch that shit.

You’re the one that drives me fucking nuts with your constant rudeness.
If I speak up, you complain
about MY bad manners,
yet we are all the same.

Take Pride

Am and I went to the Vancouver Pride parade yesterday. There was sequins, glitter, and more buff bodies than you could shake a whip at. It was tremendous fun. Apart from a pair of sunburnt ankles and a slight case of "camcorder's wrist", I seemed to hold up pretty well, considering that it was hotter than the surface temperature of the sun out there. The costumes and floats on display were, as you would expect, fabulous. I love a good drag artist. Infact, most people seem to? Nobody feels threatened by a drag queen. Except maybe other drag queens, then they can get pretty catty and vicious, but for the most part, people love them and rush to have their pictures taken with them. If you ever want to invade another country ( and I know I do ), just use an army of professional drag artists. Think about it, they are tall, athletic, can cope with pain ( high- heels ), love the heat, and they never quit. Teach them to shoot and they'll be unstoppable. And you just know they'll keep their weapons immaculate. They may take a while getting there in their 6-inch heels, but my god, they'll look great when they finally do. And no army in the world will stand up to them. They'll all be too busy having their pictures taken with them. As long as none of them turn up for the invasion dressed with the same assault rifle, you'll be fine.

Seriously though, I had a wonderful time, and I owe Am a lot for putting up with me and letting me stay longer in Vancouver. We checked out the stalls and markets afterward and the whole day was just so much fun. The only thing that I didn't like was all the litter that people seem to think it's acceptable to leave behind. There were bins and recycling stations all over the place, yet people just seem to think it's fine to dump their crap wherever they want to. It's sad, disgusting, and completely ironic that people turned out in their masses to celebrate their pride, yet take none in their city.

But I still had a great day :)