Before Bed

I've started trying to read before I go to sleep. Trying? Well it's not that hard. You just get a book and read. Not a whole book, just a chapter and then lights out.

Last night, I was propped up in my sagging ikea mattress. My recently bought ikea mattress that uses space age technology, yet sags deeper than a second world war trench. I was reading quite happily when I glanced up at the light. My round, paper ikea lampshade had something small dangling from it. I didn't remember there being a dangle there before?

It was a spider. A tiny spider. I got up and considered plucking it from its strand, but then where would I put it? I'm funny about killing insects and spiders especially. I used to be terrified of spiders when I was younger. Many spiders met their doom as a result of my orders.

'DAD!'

But that was then and this is........well then-ish. It was last night.

I couldn't think of a safe place to put it. I mean, it wasn't really safe where it was. If it dangled too low, it might get caught up in the quilt and the sagging mattress and be killed. Plus it could drop. I've seen them do that too. It's like they run out of web or just lose the will to live, maybe hoping for something better in the next life (if they believe in reincarnation).

I looked at it more closely, and it seemed to be doing more than dangling. It was now making a cross-section. 'Well this is different' I thought. It has a plan. I can't just pick him up and dump him somewhere else if it's gone to all this trouble. That wouldn't be fair. So I left it.

And went back to my book.

My book that is in amazing, brand-new condition, apart from a dinged corner where my postman decided to damage it. Because he's not paid enough to care whether a dinged corner of a book will really bug me as I'm trying to read it.

So I carry on reading the book, when a little black thing goes past my eye line. A fly.
A tiny fly.
A tiny fly to go with my tiny spider.
Probably drawn in here by my room being the only one with a light on now. It's late but this fly will be thinking it's daytime.

This is a whole new problem for me. Because now I am thinking about how I will sleep with a fly buzzing around in here. It's only a small fly, the kind you get when you have some fruit that's gone bad. Almost like the fruit exudes flies as it rots.
I tried to think of what fruit could have gone bad? The only thing I could think of was some slightly brown lemons. Lemons that I was determined to keep and use. The fly wouldn't live on a lemon would it? I mean they're really acidic. Wouldn't the fly burst into flames or something if it tried to eat it?

I think I have a lime as well?

Ok, so now I'm worrying about the fly laying eggs in my ear while I'm sleeping. Then I thought the spider might go in there too, but I doubt they would both go in there. The spider could go after the fly, but they could just as easily go one in each ear.

So I went and got some toilet paper so I could make some ear plugs. They can have my nose and mouth, but they're not getting my ears. Besides, if the do lay eggs in my mouth or nose, I'm sure I could just sneeze or swallow.

I continue reading my chapter with two little balls of toilet paper in my ears. Periodically the fly goes past the page, just to remind me that it's there. Until I finished the chapter, and then I turn off the light, check my earplugs and get under the covers (quilt covering ear for extra protection).

*scritch....scritch....scritch....scritch....
......
scritch........
..........................................
scritch....scritch..scritch..scritch.scritchscritchscritchscritch!

Then I realised that the quilt was rubbing against the paper in my ear, and as I breathed, it was going up and down.

I could live with that.
It was almost soothing once you knew it wasn't something sawing through your front door, or a rat in the kitchen.

Then I went to sleep and dreamt about camping in a green tent.

It was a wet Saturday. I spotted a penny on the floor but thought "No. Leave it for someone else to pick up. Let them have the fuzzy "lucky penny" feeling.
An hour later, and my shopping bill came to exactly a penny more than the cash I had on me.
I walked up and down every aisle of that supermarket.............twice, and still couldn't find a penny on the floor.
Thanks Universe.

Blogging? You wanna try childbirth mate!

I was making tea today. Nothing new there, but I opened the cupboard, turned to put the teabag into the cup, turned back and caught my chest on the corner of the cupboard door. Right across my right nipple.
I thought I'd torn it clean off.
I was actually scared to look at the damage I'd done.
I had visions of me putting my nipple in a bag of frozen peas, racing to my nearest casualty department and asking them to sew it back on. And no, I don't remember which way up it goes.

Have you ever caught your shin or something, or fallen over and been too scared to look at the wound that you're convinced is there? I mean if it's covered by clothing, I can be 100% sure that I have a gaping wound, with blood trickling down. Then once I've plucked up the courage to look, there's usually nothing there and the pain just vanishes. Or subsides at least.

Anyway, I mentioned my accident to a couple of friends tonight and mentioned that I'd never felt pain like it. My (female) friend's immediate reply was;

'Pain? You wanna try childbirth! Then you'll know pain!'

As a man, and I believe that I am a man, just what comeback do I have to that? I've got nothing.

'.......he stabbed me 15 times and then poured petrol over me and set me alight. It was horrific'

'HORRIFIC? You wanna try childbirth mate! Then you'll know real horror!'

'........I accidentally got my hair caught in the mincer at the local butcher's shop and had my face ripped off and pulled into the sausage mix. Customers within a 10-mile radius have been eating my face for the past week. It's been quite traumatic'

'TRAUMATIC? You wanna try childbirth you lazy f_cker! Then you'll know real trauma!!'

There's just no real comeback to somebody that says that. And if I can be frank (hello frank!), the only thing that men have that women can't experience is the joy of a kick to the male reproductive organs. And even then, it's not a competition. You hardly ever hear a guy say;

'Pain? Try a swift boot to the vicar's friends, and then you'll know real pain!!'

How many times have you heard a guy say that to a woman that's just complained about the pain of childbirth? I'm guessing not many. But take pity on the guy that complains about pain, within earshot of a new mother.