Sunday 21 June 2009
Rabbit
I feel the need to talk about a couple of points that have been coming up recently. It's probably not something to make a fuss over, but I'm concerned how prominent my nipples have been recently. And we're not talking about Man Boobs or Moobs here. I'm (was "we" earlier) talking about just my nipples and how they love to be the center of attention whenever I have my picture taken.
I can be anywhere, doing anything, and they will always be the first thing that screams out at you from the picture.
In front of Niagara Falls? NIPPLES!
The Pyramids? LOOK, NIPPLES!
The Second Coming? LOOK! JENKS' NIPPLES AGAIN!
I don't know what it is? I wear a lot of T-Shirts, which doesn't help. But frankly, I don't fancy wearing layers of clothes to cover them up. Nearly every YouTube video I have made pretty much focuses on my chest, and so they are always in my face when I watch them back. And having my own nipples in my face is not the kind of video I want to settle down with my tea and toast to watch.
Now, whenever I see pics of myself, I look straight at my nips. I'm becoming my own worst perv.
Still, if you can't perv at yourself, who can you?
Plus at least I know I'm not dangerous?
But I do know where I live.
But if I try anything on myself, I DO know what address to give the Police.
This post makes no sense.
I'd just like a picture to be taken that doesn't have my nipples screaming out at me.
I can be anywhere, doing anything, and they will always be the first thing that screams out at you from the picture.
In front of Niagara Falls? NIPPLES!
The Pyramids? LOOK, NIPPLES!
The Second Coming? LOOK! JENKS' NIPPLES AGAIN!
I don't know what it is? I wear a lot of T-Shirts, which doesn't help. But frankly, I don't fancy wearing layers of clothes to cover them up. Nearly every YouTube video I have made pretty much focuses on my chest, and so they are always in my face when I watch them back. And having my own nipples in my face is not the kind of video I want to settle down with my tea and toast to watch.
Now, whenever I see pics of myself, I look straight at my nips. I'm becoming my own worst perv.
Still, if you can't perv at yourself, who can you?
Plus at least I know I'm not dangerous?
But I do know where I live.
But if I try anything on myself, I DO know what address to give the Police.
This post makes no sense.
I'd just like a picture to be taken that doesn't have my nipples screaming out at me.
Thursday 18 June 2009
Oh what a feelin'
That reminds me of the times that I would sneak up on my mum and grab her.
Yeah, I know. Hilarious when I do it. Not so funny when they do it back to me. What can I say? I'm a hyper-crite.
But many a time, mum would be minding her own business, and I would sneak up and grab her or touch her back or something. She would go apeshit at me. Usually using words like "You fuckin' bastard!"
I would of course, be pissing myself with laughter. And using the old "Who did you think it was" disclaimer that people that jump out on others always use. She probably thought it was Freddy Fucking Krueger knowing her, but as long as I said that line "Who did you think it was?" Or "It's only me and you in the house, why'd you jump?" then that was ok, and I could make it look like SHE had the problem. Thus removing any guilt and or blame from myself. See how this works? There's legal mumbo jumbo in everything. From buying a scalding hot McCoffee, to scaring the pants off of a loved one.
The downside to all this laughter was that now and then she would clutch her chest, struggle to breathe, and mumble something like "You could've killed me".
Now, you have to understand, my mum was not a well woman at this time. And there probably was a chance that a shock could actually kill her. I had thought of this. Many times. Normally just AFTER I've jumped out at her. But strangely never before?
One time, she actually asked me "What would you do if I dropped down dead?"
To which I replied "I'd just say I came downstairs and found you like this."
I mean, what did she expect me to do?
Go to the police and confess I'd scared her to death?
What good would that do? Mum was a chainsmoking diabetic. SOMETHING was gonna make her drop down one day. If I "accidentally", "may" have accelerated that through "no fault of my own", then there's no point in me being punished is there? And besides, is there a law against scaring folks to death?
And anyway, mum always had a good attitude when it came to death. Particularly her own. She used to say "When I'm gone, I don't want a fancy funeral. Nothing expensive, ok?"
"Mum, when you're dead, I'm putting your body out in the rubbish bin" I'd reply "Is that cheap enough for you?"
As it is, mum, when she did die (and NO I didn't kill her!) , had a modest, but adequate funeral, that to this day still hasn't been paid for in full. Mum would have liked that. I mean, what are they gonna do? Dig her back up? And before you say it, I'm not solely responsible for paying for the funeral. The whole family are. And that, my dear reader, is why to this day, my mum's funeral hasn't been paid for. Because my family just don't agree on anything. Including paying for their mum's burial.
I tell ya, if I could have got away with the bin bag thing.......
Yeah, I know. Hilarious when I do it. Not so funny when they do it back to me. What can I say? I'm a hyper-crite.
But many a time, mum would be minding her own business, and I would sneak up and grab her or touch her back or something. She would go apeshit at me. Usually using words like "You fuckin' bastard!"
I would of course, be pissing myself with laughter. And using the old "Who did you think it was" disclaimer that people that jump out on others always use. She probably thought it was Freddy Fucking Krueger knowing her, but as long as I said that line "Who did you think it was?" Or "It's only me and you in the house, why'd you jump?" then that was ok, and I could make it look like SHE had the problem. Thus removing any guilt and or blame from myself. See how this works? There's legal mumbo jumbo in everything. From buying a scalding hot McCoffee, to scaring the pants off of a loved one.
The downside to all this laughter was that now and then she would clutch her chest, struggle to breathe, and mumble something like "You could've killed me".
Now, you have to understand, my mum was not a well woman at this time. And there probably was a chance that a shock could actually kill her. I had thought of this. Many times. Normally just AFTER I've jumped out at her. But strangely never before?
One time, she actually asked me "What would you do if I dropped down dead?"
To which I replied "I'd just say I came downstairs and found you like this."
I mean, what did she expect me to do?
Go to the police and confess I'd scared her to death?
What good would that do? Mum was a chainsmoking diabetic. SOMETHING was gonna make her drop down one day. If I "accidentally", "may" have accelerated that through "no fault of my own", then there's no point in me being punished is there? And besides, is there a law against scaring folks to death?
And anyway, mum always had a good attitude when it came to death. Particularly her own. She used to say "When I'm gone, I don't want a fancy funeral. Nothing expensive, ok?"
"Mum, when you're dead, I'm putting your body out in the rubbish bin" I'd reply "Is that cheap enough for you?"
As it is, mum, when she did die (and NO I didn't kill her!) , had a modest, but adequate funeral, that to this day still hasn't been paid for in full. Mum would have liked that. I mean, what are they gonna do? Dig her back up? And before you say it, I'm not solely responsible for paying for the funeral. The whole family are. And that, my dear reader, is why to this day, my mum's funeral hasn't been paid for. Because my family just don't agree on anything. Including paying for their mum's burial.
I tell ya, if I could have got away with the bin bag thing.......
Dancing on the ceiling.
Picture the scene- I'm half dressed. Sleepy. Wet (ish). And just about to apply a liberal coating of antiperspirant to my armpits, when suddenly, from out of nowhere (actually, somewhere to the right of me), a hand touches my back. I jumped miles. Frankly, it's a miracle that the roll-on didn't go up my nose, I jumped that much. "A" had snuck up on me and "ninja-like" applied the touch of death. I fucking crapped myself.
"Who did you think it was?" she asked while giggling.
"A SCARY DEAD JAPANESE GIRL WITH LONG HAIR, THAT'S WHO." I replied, while trying to release my grip from my Lynx Africa (tm).
This is at least the second time that "A" has scared the crap out of me. The pregnancy scares aside (joking), they have both been pretty scary for me. And I blame this on one thing, and one thing only. A creepy little Asian horror film called Ring.
Now, I have always enjoyed horror films. I like a good scare, and the plot freedom for these films is something that my imagination can run free in. You don't really have to explain how the monster is there, it just IS. The dead girl that's come back to avenge her torture and murder? She's doing so because she CAN. Ok?
But following on from these recent scares, I have realised that now, when confronted with something scary in the dark, I instantly think of the girl from the Ring book and movie. See? It's a book now as well.
Anyway. On both occasions, I instantly think:
"ARGH! SCARY DEAD JAPANESE GIRL WITH LONG HAIR!"
Is this it?
Is this the thing that I am now most scared of?
Cancer and anal rape aside, this is now what my mind thinks of when it is in the dark and afraid.
I have seen countless horror films, read countless novels, slain MILLIONS of zombies in Resident Evil, Silent Hill etc, yet when I get scared or surprised (in a bad way, not birthday party kind of way), I now think of that little dead girl, Sadako. And I'm not alone. Many of my friends hate that film because of that girl. Steve now insists on covering his eyes during the end scene of that film. You know what I'm talking about. It's just genuinely creepy. I know it's just a film. But the image is enough to stay in my head long, long after the film is over.
When you get grabbed by an unseen hand, or something jumps out at you, is it a reflex, or does your mind go "SCARY DEAD JAPANESE GIRL WITH LONG HAIR!"
I know what mine does.
"Who did you think it was?" she asked while giggling.
"A SCARY DEAD JAPANESE GIRL WITH LONG HAIR, THAT'S WHO." I replied, while trying to release my grip from my Lynx Africa (tm).
This is at least the second time that "A" has scared the crap out of me. The pregnancy scares aside (joking), they have both been pretty scary for me. And I blame this on one thing, and one thing only. A creepy little Asian horror film called Ring.
Now, I have always enjoyed horror films. I like a good scare, and the plot freedom for these films is something that my imagination can run free in. You don't really have to explain how the monster is there, it just IS. The dead girl that's come back to avenge her torture and murder? She's doing so because she CAN. Ok?
But following on from these recent scares, I have realised that now, when confronted with something scary in the dark, I instantly think of the girl from the Ring book and movie. See? It's a book now as well.
Anyway. On both occasions, I instantly think:
"ARGH! SCARY DEAD JAPANESE GIRL WITH LONG HAIR!"
Is this it?
Is this the thing that I am now most scared of?
Cancer and anal rape aside, this is now what my mind thinks of when it is in the dark and afraid.
I have seen countless horror films, read countless novels, slain MILLIONS of zombies in Resident Evil, Silent Hill etc, yet when I get scared or surprised (in a bad way, not birthday party kind of way), I now think of that little dead girl, Sadako. And I'm not alone. Many of my friends hate that film because of that girl. Steve now insists on covering his eyes during the end scene of that film. You know what I'm talking about. It's just genuinely creepy. I know it's just a film. But the image is enough to stay in my head long, long after the film is over.
When you get grabbed by an unseen hand, or something jumps out at you, is it a reflex, or does your mind go "SCARY DEAD JAPANESE GIRL WITH LONG HAIR!"
I know what mine does.
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