Chopsticks

Since being here, I have been introduced to a wide variety of sushi restaurants and take-aways. You can't crash a car in Vancouver without knocking a millionaire through a sushi shop window. They are everywhere (both millionaires and sushi shops). This is fine with me, and I had never tried sushi before, so I was looking forward to a new culinary delight.
However, this brought back an age-old enemy of mine,
THE CHOPSTICK!
TWO of them!
ChopSTICKS!
Twice the terror.
I just can't use chopsticks. I just can't. If you're gonna laugh, just go ahead and do it. I can't do the tongue curling thing either, or the bloody Vulcan "Live long and blah blah blah" thing from Star Trek. When it comes to mastering tasks that others find easy, I appear to be handicapped. Infact, why can't I qualify for disabled parking? You seem to be a second class citizen if you are unable to eat sushi with anything other than two sticks of wood (plastic).
And why? Just what do chopsticks offer that a fork can't give? If two pieces of wood (plastic) are so great, then why did the fork ever get invented? And I happen to know for a fact that the fork was invented by an Asian gentleman. Because they think up and invent everything! They just do. They know that the fork is where it's at. The chopstick thing is just for the tourists. Once the Westerners are out of sight, they whip out their knife and forks. Infact, while we are trying to prove how sympathetic we are to their cuisine, traditions and culture by chasing an eggroll around a plate with our sticks, they're eating in a more efficient manner, using something else that they've invented, something that probably uses microchips or something?
I just can't use them. (A) patiently tried to teach me. But after 1 minute 38 seconds (roughly), her patience was exausted. I think she realised that I'm just not cut out for chopsticks? And while she continues to encourage and guide me ( "Why won't you just learn!?"), I know it's not for me. So I have to bravely soldier on, enduring the sniggers and sneers of other diners, as I kindly ask for a fork. And maybe sometimes a knife too.