Oh what a feelin'

That reminds me of the times that I would sneak up on my mum and grab her.
Yeah, I know. Hilarious when I do it. Not so funny when they do it back to me. What can I say? I'm a hyper-crite.
But many a time, mum would be minding her own business, and I would sneak up and grab her or touch her back or something. She would go apeshit at me. Usually using words like "You fuckin' bastard!"
I would of course, be pissing myself with laughter. And using the old "Who did you think it was" disclaimer that people that jump out on others always use. She probably thought it was Freddy Fucking Krueger knowing her, but as long as I said that line "Who did you think it was?" Or "It's only me and you in the house, why'd you jump?" then that was ok, and I could make it look like SHE had the problem. Thus removing any guilt and or blame from myself. See how this works? There's legal mumbo jumbo in everything. From buying a scalding hot McCoffee, to scaring the pants off of a loved one.
The downside to all this laughter was that now and then she would clutch her chest, struggle to breathe, and mumble something like "You could've killed me".
Now, you have to understand, my mum was not a well woman at this time. And there probably was a chance that a shock could actually kill her. I had thought of this. Many times. Normally just AFTER I've jumped out at her. But strangely never before?
One time, she actually asked me "What would you do if I dropped down dead?"
To which I replied "I'd just say I came downstairs and found you like this."
I mean, what did she expect me to do?
Go to the police and confess I'd scared her to death?
What good would that do? Mum was a chainsmoking diabetic. SOMETHING was gonna make her drop down one day. If I "accidentally", "may" have accelerated that through "no fault of my own", then there's no point in me being punished is there? And besides, is there a law against scaring folks to death?
And anyway, mum always had a good attitude when it came to death. Particularly her own. She used to say "When I'm gone, I don't want a fancy funeral. Nothing expensive, ok?"
"Mum, when you're dead, I'm putting your body out in the rubbish bin" I'd reply "Is that cheap enough for you?"
As it is, mum, when she did die (and NO I didn't kill her!) , had a modest, but adequate funeral, that to this day still hasn't been paid for in full. Mum would have liked that. I mean, what are they gonna do? Dig her back up? And before you say it, I'm not solely responsible for paying for the funeral. The whole family are. And that, my dear reader, is why to this day, my mum's funeral hasn't been paid for. Because my family just don't agree on anything. Including paying for their mum's burial.
I tell ya, if I could have got away with the bin bag thing.......