In The News....Stupid People

I read in the paper last week, or was it two weeks ago? About a young woman that had just been found guilty of assisting her mother in the attempted murder of her elderly grandfather. Apparently in the days before the attack on the guy (who was 89, I believe), she had Googled something like "Best way to kill an elderly person".

Armed with this new knowledge, the girl and her mother then attempted to murder the frail pensioner with bricks.

That's right. Bricks.

With the WHOLE power of Google and ALL of the combined might and thoughts of some of the World's most infamous schemers, the best method that they could come up with was to throw bricks at him until he died.

What the fuckity fuck fuck?

That was it? That was their master plan? Did they just expect grandpa to stand there and not protest while they threw bits of a house at him?

And what the hell were they going to tell the scene of crime officers when they turned up?

'Poor dad. He loved making walls, he did. We often went out and left him to it. He'd always say to us "You go shopping, and when you get back, I'll have a shiny new wall in the garden waiting for you.'

'We got back from Morrison's and there he was, dead. Dead under a pile of bricks. At least he died doing what he loved.'

Have these people not seen CSI? And the guy was 89! What, they couldn't wait a few more years for the inheritance? Just how thick were these two? I'd lock them up just to get their bloody genes out of the gene pool. I didn't see much more about the case, but I half expect that they had a new will written out leaving everything to them. Written in crayon saying something like "I leev it all 2 my darlin doorta n grandoorta. n dey dint kil me."

I'm just stunned that with the help of Google, that's the best plan that they could come up with. Dear god. How did they even manage to figure out how to turn the computer on?

Well, the old guy escaped (Hurrah!) and the two useless wannabee killers are facing some jail time ahead of them. This time I hope they're bricking themselves,

An Absence of Paperweights

I know that in the world of motor vehicles, People Carriers are quite "in" right now. What a stupid name for a car. When have you ever seen a car, truck or van that isn't a people carrier?

Tony: 'Hiya Frank, how's the new car?'

Frank: 'Oh it's super! We should have bought one of these years ago.'

Tony: 'It's one of those new people carriers isn't it?'

Frank: 'Yup! Best investment I've ever made.'

Tony: 'What type did you have before?'

Frank: 'One of those cars where you had to walk along beside it.'

Tony: 'We've got one that you have to walk behind. We used to have one that you walked in front of, but 2 of the kids weren't quick enough and they got run over.'

Frank: 'Oh?'

Tony: 'Yeah, well they weren't really walking age. With hindsight we probably should have been carrying them, but y'know what with shopping and stuff. The manufacturer recalled them in the end.

Frank: 'Bloody health and safety gone mad.'

Tony: 'So that just leaves Tony Jr. He started at high school last month.'

Frank: 'How's he getting on?'

Tony: 'OK. But he's been getting into trouble for arriving late these last couple of weeks.'

Frank: 'Well it's a long walk to the school from where you live innit.'

Tony: 'Yeah. We got him a pushbike, thinking it would help, but he said pushing it the 6 miles to school and back just wears him out.'

Frank: 'Has he tried riding it?'

Tony: 'It's called a push bike, Frank.'

It's lucky y'know.

I got pooped on by a bird last week.

I would have written about it sooner but I've only just calmed down about it. My rage was preventing me from forming words or being able to type anything other than "How to purchase vials of bird flu" into Google.

It was my own fault really for standing outside. Birds don't want you outside. They barely tolerate us juuuuuust long enough to top up the bird feeder.

Don't get me wrong, I love birds. I just hate it when they poop on me.

I got pooped on by a flying Swan once. It was huge! I thought the Swan had laid an egg at first. It was like luggage falling off a plane. It was like being hit by a wet coconut.

I think the worst part about being shat on is when someone says something like "That's supposed to be a sign of good luck, that is".
I hate that. It's bad enough that you have been violated by a Chaffinch, but then someone tries to tell you that you should feel special about it.

I've been playing the lottery on and off since it started. I've been in hundreds of lottery queues and not once, not ONCE have I seen anybody in the queue that is holding a pigeon above their head.

Don't try to tell me it's lucky.

I Put Some Peanuts Out For The Squirrels Today

Squirrel: 'Hey, look at these peanuts I found'

Another Squirrel: 'Wow. Where'd you score those?'

Squirrel: 'Down by the tree'

Another Squirrel: 'Which tree?'

Squirrel: 'The tree'

Another Squirrel: 'Yes, but which tree? I mean there's a lot of them'

Squirrel: 'Well they were by the tree that has the other tree next to it'

Another Squirrel: 'O-k. But I'm asking which tree. I mean, what if I want to go and search for some nuts of my own?'

Squirrel: 'There aren't any more. I brought all of them that were there'

Another Squirrel: 'I can see that. You're still spitting them out. What is that, 35 now? Where are you pulling these from? You should watch that, you'll strain something. Anyway, what tree? Describe it to me'

Squirrel: 'Well, like I said. It's the tree that has another tree just next to it. Oh and it's budding'

Another Squirrel: 'Yeah well, it's that time of year. That doesn't help me much'

Squirrel: 'It's the one that sometimes has dog pee on it'

Another Squirrel: 'That'll be all of them. I mean give me something to work with here'

Squirrel: 'Erm.....it has bark on it?'

Another Squirrel: 'I'm going to hit you in a minute'

Squirrel: 'It's about 4 trees in from the fence'

Another Squirrel: 'Which fence?'

Squirrel: 'The fence around the field where Dylan lives'

Another Squirrel: 'Now we're getting somewhere.........! Say what? Dylan who?'

Squirrel: 'Dylan......... the sheep'

Another Squirrel: 'How do you know what his name is? Since when could you speak sheep? We can't talk as it is. Frankly I have no idea how we're having this conversation'

Squirrel: 'No. I don't talk sheep, silly. We communicate in other ways'

Another Squirrel: 'Like what? Notes or something? I mean we don't share a written language'

Squirrel: 'No. We gesticulate to each other'

Another Squirrel: 'You what? That's disgusting'

Squirrel: 'GES-TIC-U-LATE. You know. Moving arms and stuff. Like charades'

Another Squirrel: 'Oh!'

Squirrel: 'Yeah. We "chat" now and then. He's a nice guy. Likes cars'

Another Squirrel: 'Wait. How did he tell you his name was Dylan?'

Squirrel: 'Gesticulation'

Another Squirrel: '..............So............about where you found these nuts......'

Squirrel: 'Between the 2 trees, 4 trees in from the fence'

Another Squirrel: 'Which part of the fence? I mean it's a long fence. There are trees all over the place by that fence, we're up to our arses in branches y'know'

Squirrel: 'Well, I was stood talking to Dylan and when we had said cheerio, I walked over towards the left. This paw. And then a little way in, I saw the nuts. So it's to the left of Dylan'

Another Squirrel: 'I am so going to hit you. He moves about a lot. How does that help me?'

Squirrel: 'Tomorrow I'll ask Dylan if he can remember which part of the fence he was stood by'

Another Squirrel: 'The fence that all looks the same. Next to the trees that all look the same'

Squirrel: 'Yes'

Another Squirrel: 'Y'know this is why the humans put signs up all over the place. So they can find their nuts. This is precisely why we can never find where we've hidden ours. A very real lack of signage and place names'

Squirrel: 'Yes, but if we did that, they'd notice'

Before Bed

I've started trying to read before I go to sleep. Trying? Well it's not that hard. You just get a book and read. Not a whole book, just a chapter and then lights out.

Last night, I was propped up in my sagging ikea mattress. My recently bought ikea mattress that uses space age technology, yet sags deeper than a second world war trench. I was reading quite happily when I glanced up at the light. My round, paper ikea lampshade had something small dangling from it. I didn't remember there being a dangle there before?

It was a spider. A tiny spider. I got up and considered plucking it from its strand, but then where would I put it? I'm funny about killing insects and spiders especially. I used to be terrified of spiders when I was younger. Many spiders met their doom as a result of my orders.

'DAD!'

But that was then and this is........well then-ish. It was last night.

I couldn't think of a safe place to put it. I mean, it wasn't really safe where it was. If it dangled too low, it might get caught up in the quilt and the sagging mattress and be killed. Plus it could drop. I've seen them do that too. It's like they run out of web or just lose the will to live, maybe hoping for something better in the next life (if they believe in reincarnation).

I looked at it more closely, and it seemed to be doing more than dangling. It was now making a cross-section. 'Well this is different' I thought. It has a plan. I can't just pick him up and dump him somewhere else if it's gone to all this trouble. That wouldn't be fair. So I left it.

And went back to my book.

My book that is in amazing, brand-new condition, apart from a dinged corner where my postman decided to damage it. Because he's not paid enough to care whether a dinged corner of a book will really bug me as I'm trying to read it.

So I carry on reading the book, when a little black thing goes past my eye line. A fly.
A tiny fly.
A tiny fly to go with my tiny spider.
Probably drawn in here by my room being the only one with a light on now. It's late but this fly will be thinking it's daytime.

This is a whole new problem for me. Because now I am thinking about how I will sleep with a fly buzzing around in here. It's only a small fly, the kind you get when you have some fruit that's gone bad. Almost like the fruit exudes flies as it rots.
I tried to think of what fruit could have gone bad? The only thing I could think of was some slightly brown lemons. Lemons that I was determined to keep and use. The fly wouldn't live on a lemon would it? I mean they're really acidic. Wouldn't the fly burst into flames or something if it tried to eat it?

I think I have a lime as well?

Ok, so now I'm worrying about the fly laying eggs in my ear while I'm sleeping. Then I thought the spider might go in there too, but I doubt they would both go in there. The spider could go after the fly, but they could just as easily go one in each ear.

So I went and got some toilet paper so I could make some ear plugs. They can have my nose and mouth, but they're not getting my ears. Besides, if the do lay eggs in my mouth or nose, I'm sure I could just sneeze or swallow.

I continue reading my chapter with two little balls of toilet paper in my ears. Periodically the fly goes past the page, just to remind me that it's there. Until I finished the chapter, and then I turn off the light, check my earplugs and get under the covers (quilt covering ear for extra protection).

*scritch....scritch....scritch....scritch....
......
scritch........
..........................................
scritch....scritch..scritch..scritch.scritchscritchscritchscritch!

Then I realised that the quilt was rubbing against the paper in my ear, and as I breathed, it was going up and down.

I could live with that.
It was almost soothing once you knew it wasn't something sawing through your front door, or a rat in the kitchen.

Then I went to sleep and dreamt about camping in a green tent.

It was a wet Saturday. I spotted a penny on the floor but thought "No. Leave it for someone else to pick up. Let them have the fuzzy "lucky penny" feeling.
An hour later, and my shopping bill came to exactly a penny more than the cash I had on me.
I walked up and down every aisle of that supermarket.............twice, and still couldn't find a penny on the floor.
Thanks Universe.

Blogging? You wanna try childbirth mate!

I was making tea today. Nothing new there, but I opened the cupboard, turned to put the teabag into the cup, turned back and caught my chest on the corner of the cupboard door. Right across my right nipple.
I thought I'd torn it clean off.
I was actually scared to look at the damage I'd done.
I had visions of me putting my nipple in a bag of frozen peas, racing to my nearest casualty department and asking them to sew it back on. And no, I don't remember which way up it goes.

Have you ever caught your shin or something, or fallen over and been too scared to look at the wound that you're convinced is there? I mean if it's covered by clothing, I can be 100% sure that I have a gaping wound, with blood trickling down. Then once I've plucked up the courage to look, there's usually nothing there and the pain just vanishes. Or subsides at least.

Anyway, I mentioned my accident to a couple of friends tonight and mentioned that I'd never felt pain like it. My (female) friend's immediate reply was;

'Pain? You wanna try childbirth! Then you'll know pain!'

As a man, and I believe that I am a man, just what comeback do I have to that? I've got nothing.

'.......he stabbed me 15 times and then poured petrol over me and set me alight. It was horrific'

'HORRIFIC? You wanna try childbirth mate! Then you'll know real horror!'

'........I accidentally got my hair caught in the mincer at the local butcher's shop and had my face ripped off and pulled into the sausage mix. Customers within a 10-mile radius have been eating my face for the past week. It's been quite traumatic'

'TRAUMATIC? You wanna try childbirth you lazy f_cker! Then you'll know real trauma!!'

There's just no real comeback to somebody that says that. And if I can be frank (hello frank!), the only thing that men have that women can't experience is the joy of a kick to the male reproductive organs. And even then, it's not a competition. You hardly ever hear a guy say;

'Pain? Try a swift boot to the vicar's friends, and then you'll know real pain!!'

How many times have you heard a guy say that to a woman that's just complained about the pain of childbirth? I'm guessing not many. But take pity on the guy that complains about pain, within earshot of a new mother.