I'm Baaaaaaaaack

Well I'm alive still. Blogs are needy bastards aren't they. You leave one alone for a few months and all of a sudden you find yourself scared to even peek at it, for fear of thinking to yourself "Gee, I really ought to write about something that I've done recently" or "Gee, I really ought to do something recently".

A few nights ago, I dreamt that I was in bed with Matt Lucas. Nothing sexual. We were just trying to make each other laugh. With us being naked and in bed, that was an easily accomplished task. Kudos to my subconscious casting agency for being able to conjure him up though.

Dreams are funny things. You flit between being Jason Bourne, the baddie, Jason Bourne again, the baddie, yourself watching Jason Bourne and the baddie fight, a sandwich in a Parisian cafe, Jason Bourne again, before finally getting ready for school, while thinking "But I'm 22, I shouldn't be in high school any more", and not once do you think "Wait! Wait! Wait! That's not right. Something's not making sense here. Your subconscious brain totally accepts it and it all seems fine and plausible.

If the brain can do that, then I have no doubt that if it malfunctions, it can convince you that Tutankhamen is telling you to go up a clock tower with a high-powered packet of Smash potato.

The adventures with adopt-a-dog continue. He's still living with us. I fear we've bonded. He still has his aggression issues.

Do you think there's a magazine called "Aggression?" People walking into their local newsagents and saying "Hi, I believe you've got some Aggression issues for my husband"

In the house, he's a lovely dog. Outside the house, he's like Mike Tyson. He's family now though. And you don't give up on family just because they want to bite passers-by now and then. Auntie Wilma not withstanding.

Last Night's Dream: RADIATION FROM SPAAAAACE!

Dun-dun-duuunnn!

Or something like that. Think of a dramatic sound effect.

Last night I dreamt that a star or something had emitted a beam of radiation (or something), which resulted in the Earth being hit by said beam (of something), resulting in one half of the Earth being irradiated, or at the very least severely messed up.

In my dream, it left all animals dead, but for some reason, not plant life.

So the half of the planet that took the full brunt ( I don't think I've ever had to type "brunt" before) of the beam was killed instantly (-ish), leaving the remaining half and myself to try to struggle through in our now post-apocalyptic, and rather roomy new world.

I remember there being lots of news reports about various governments laying claim to several now uninhabited countries, as well as people trying to work out what to do with all of the dead bodies.

At one stage, I volunteered to help out with the clean up operation (which really doesn't sound like something I would do, so it could only have been a dream), and I just remember stacking bricks and collecting rags from streets and wherever I could find them. Just how this was supposed to rebuild a country, I have no idea.

House prices went down.

Last Night's Dream: Tockey

Last night I dreamt that I was playing Tennis/Hockey with a small group of others. Or "Tockey" as I now shall call it.

I have no idea whatsoever whether Tockey already exists or not, and to be honest, I'm too nervous to Google it, for fear that someone in a small town in Idaho has already done it. Google spoils all the fun. Think you've had an original idea? Think again! Google will tell you that not only has someone else already thought up your "great" idea, but they muffed it up along the way, meaning your great idea will now be thought of as rubbish.

Anyway. Tockey. It involves two teams, two goals, a Tennis, sorry Tockey ball, and each player has two rackets. It's awesome.

You need to wear eye protection though. Well, you do the way I play.

Last Night's Dream

Peanuts.

I dreamt that I was inside a large office building that was slowly being invaded by peanuts. Think of it as my "standard" Zombie-scenario type dream, where I have to barricade myself inside either a room or building, in order to escape from some sort of threat from outside.

Well this time it was peanuts and not Zombies.

Huge waves of peanuts flooding in through broken windows or cracks in doors.

I eventually managed to make my way to the top floor of the building, but was prevented from escaping onto the roof by a complex locking mechanism on the skylight. Apparently it had three slots for what looked like medals or medallions. Yes, that's right. My dream was borrowing from PlayStation games.

I don't know if you've ever played any of the Resident Evil games, but many of the rooms are locked and can only be opened with medals, crystals or keys that can only be obtained after you have performed various tasks.

The lab in Resident Evil can only be entered by collecting a number of medals. Some of which can only be obtained through the smashing of statues, burning of paintings, and solving of cryptic puzzles.

How the hell did the lab staff ever manage to get to work on time?

"Sorry I'm late for my shift Tom. But the Moon medal was in the statue, and I think Kerry smashed it and got that. As you know, without all of the medals, you can't open the main door to the lab."

"That's alright Dave, it once took me a whole week to get back in here after I accidentally left my car keys in my office. Wait! If Kerry has the Moon medal, how did you manage to get in?"

"I ate my way through the steal door. It seemed quicker and I just couldn't be arsed with the whole back and forth any longer."

"Oh fair enough."


Anyway, I woke up juuuuuust as the peanuts had broken into the room and were beginning to swarm towards me.

Last Night's Dream

Zombies.

Always fun.

I dreamt that I was caught in the middle of the usual Zombie apocalypse. After much fleeing, I found a large house with an open door, and along with a small group of other people, we boarded ourselves inside the house. I have no idea where we found enough nails, planks and hammers to go around? In reality, it would be one person using the hammer, while several others waited nervously, jigging up and down on the spot, while keeping an eye on the Zombie hoards outside the windows. Every so often asking "Have you finished with it yet? Can I just borrow it for a second?".

Of course in reality, I'd nail the boards over the windows with my own face if I had to. Purely in a "Zombie scenario" only, not a "putting up shelves" scenario. Maybe an "invading aliens" scenario too.

Anyway.

After sealing ourselves into our end of terrace, we somehow ended up putting it on the market. One of us called an estate agent, and before we knew it, we were showing people around.

During our time in the house, various Zombies had managed to break in through the downstairs sitting room window, which resulted in us locking the door to that room and barricading it with planks of wood. Are there planks of any other kind?

Anyway, when any of the potential buyers asked if they could see the room that was behind the locked (and heavily barricaded (and daubed with the words "zombies inside!")) door, we simply explained how we had lost the key to that room.

I think the dream ended with us mulling over an offer from a newlywed couple from Sheffield.

Last Night's Dream

I was dumped by Alanis Morissette last night.
In my dream.

It was a huge surprise and came quite out of the blue. I didn't even know we were dating.

I came home to find her in bed, our bed, with our roommate, Kyle.
We had a huge row and she accused me of ignoring her and not putting enough into our relationship. To be fair, if I'd known we were dating (or even living together (with Kyle) ), I would have put more energy into the two of us.

She said she still loved me, she couldn't really see what the big deal was, and she was just using Kyle for sex (which I thought was pretty harsh considering Kyle was stood right there) because I was never around (which is unfair because I'd never even been in the apartment before tonight's dream, let alone dated Alanis).

I told her that I still loved her, but I wasn't looking for that kind of a relationship. I believe in being faithful to your partner, and I'll be friends with her, but I won't let her treat me like a door mat.

In the middle of my speech, she dumped me. She said "Well, in that case, I don't think we have a future and I'd like you to leave."

I was still rambling on about faithfulness when I realised that I should have dumped her first. I was talking for too long. It felt awkward to be dumped by someone that you have just caught cheating on you (with Kyle).

I was also confused as to who owned the apartment. If it was mine, I wasn't leaving.

She said my attitude was childish.

So I grabbed her by the arm and dragged her down to the lobby of the hotel (that we were apparently living in?).

I stood on the table of a restaurant that we were now in (?) and asked all of the people in there whether they thought that I was being treated fairly and whether Alanis should be allowed to dump me. Alanis just stood there, hanging her head in shame. In SHAME!

While I was in the middle of feeling morally superior, the train conductor tugged on my trouser leg and told me that we had arrived at the right station.

I got down from the table, picked up my knife and fork and got off the train. A woman came up to me and said "We've made contact with Heather. We've found her."

"That's great" I said. "Did she have the drill with her?"

And then I woke up.
Feeling really sad about the whole Alanis break-up thing. Isn't it weird how dreams can conjure up very real emotions and feelings.

Last Night's Dream

This is a sketch of the subject of last night's dream.

I like logically analyzing dreams.

Dreams are awesome. I love how the walls are always bendy and boundaries flexible.

No, I haven't seen Inception.

Oh, and I don't need to think too hard to work out what this dream was about. A woman calling to me from the top floor of a house, with a boarded up window and no handle on the door.

I think I've got this one.